I hear this every single day “I tried, but I just couldn’t” or “I’ll try my best, but if I can’t I won’t be disappointed.” When did our society become so accepting of failure? I am not saying that women who truly cannot breastfeed are failures, by any means. My friend who almost died at her son’s birth, went through several surgeries with a newborn on her breast, and was told she could pump and dump for 2-6 weeks to maintain her supply while the medication she was on was out of her system. With a newborn to care for and surgery to recover from, she gave up. I give her so much credit; she tried, and wanted to breastfeed. She is the only person I know who truly couldn’t breastfeed.
I had a father tell me “the nurses at the hospitals were breastfeeding Nazis, we got almost too much support- they told *wife* that if she didn’t get a proper latch by the end of the day, they weren’t going to let her go home.” I mentioned to friend that perhaps that isn’t the type of support that women need to succeed. That is the type of “support” that makes mothers feel inadequate and turn to a bottle for a little relief. This is the same hospital that scheduled the same friend for induction at 38 weeks on a Thursday, (along with all of the other expecting mothers) my guess is that the OB/GYNs like to have their weekends off… I feel bad for people birthing in the more rural areas. They really don’t have a lot of choices, and that is just unfair.
I hate hearing “I’ll see how it goes.” Dear mothers, if women were truly unable to breastfeed, how in the h*** did humankind make it this far? I am astonished that women can go 9 months without a drink, a turkey sandwich or coffee but they give up after a week of trying. Breastfeeding took be about three months to get used to doing. I still struggle daily. Sometimes E will hurt me, or smack me, or refuse to nurse, or wake up at 3 am crying. Its part of being a parent.
My advice:
#1. Take some responsibility for yourself and your child: I hate to pressure new mothers, but seriously DON’T MAKE BREASTFEEDING OPTIONAL!!! Stop setting yourself up to fail, because everything else about the birthing process in America is already doing that for you. Go into breastfeeding with a positive attitude. It’s all or nothing when it comes to your baby. You’re either breastfeeding, or you’re not. You carried that heavy, heartburn inducing parasite in your belly for over 9 months and enjoyed it (at least I did), how can you not want to spend the next 9-24 months sharing a quiet, intimate moment with that baby that only you can do? I love nursing! I was scared to death of it, but I made it mandatory because of the health benefits. I honestly considered doing exclusive pumping EP because I was so wigged out by the thought of putting boob in mouth. Now, I couldn’t imagine doing it any other way.
#2. Surround yourself with successful breastfeeders: Those people who tell you “good luck” when you say you’re going to breastfeed… don’t ask them for advice. Find like-minded mommies, and stick to them like glue! My beloved friend Kylee took me to my first La Leche League meeting, and my beautiful friend Jen came over a week after baby E was born to help me work on my breastfeeding posture, positions, etc. She helped me, and took me to a breastfeeding support group. It was my first outing alone with E. My cousin’s wife Elizabeth was the first mom to give me advice on the phone when E was two days old. My husband’s aunt is a lactation consultant and I talked to her for over 2 hours on the phone to vent, chat, learn and ask for advice. It seriously takes a village to learn to breastfeed! If you failed with your first baby, use the second baby as your chance to make it better. Finding mommies who plan to breastfeed is EASY, join a mother’s group, go to LLL meetings while pregnant, take a natural birth class (Bradley, Hypno-birth, etc.) and request a lactation consultant (LC) come to your room IMMEDIATELY after the baby is born.
#3. Read Lots of Books and go to lots of support groups!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My advice to pregnant women is “do as much research on the birth as possible, and do as little research on child rearing once the baby is born.” My dear friend who was unable to breastfeed (see intro) gave me some advice “use your instincts when it comes to raising your child.” I do, and bless her for giving me the courage to not open a single child rearing book! On the other hand, your instincts may not be enough for breastfeeding. I hate to say it. I know babies do “the crawl” towards the breast, but not all babies take it properly. Whether your nipples are shaped funny, your baby has some mouth or tongue problems with getting a good latch, most everything can be worked through. If you know before-hand what issues can arise, it’s a lot easier to address them. Think about it like this:
You’re a new mother who has been struggling to breastfeed the first week after the baby is home (I know I was!!!). Your support system (mom, sister, friends) have all left and you’re on your own. Your husband is at work. You take your baby to the first doctors appt. and the doctor says “this baby isn’t gaining enough weight, if we don’t see a significant weight-gain within the next week, we’re supplementing with formula.” You go home, you try to nurse, it still doesn’t seem like the baby is getting enough. You call a friend who nursed for a year, she gives you some advice, it doesn’t seem to work. You panic because you don’t want to harm your baby, the advice you have didn’t work and your doctor is threatening you. That nice nutrient rich tub of formula the hospital sent home is easy, and you can pop a bottle in to get your baby some nutrition while you learn to nurse. The baby takes the bottle and drains it. His weigh starts to go up. You breathe a sigh of relief and attempt to breastfeed. The baby won’t take the breast. You figure formula is better than starving, so you say goodbye to breastfeeding.
This happens more than you can even imagine. Now imagine this:
You’re a new mother who has been struggling to breastfeed the first week after the baby is home (I know I was!!!). Your support system (mom, sister, friends) have all left and you’re on your own. Your husband is at work. You take your baby to the first doctors appt. and the doctor says “this baby isn’t gaining enough weight, if we don’t see a significant weight-gain within the next week, we’re supplementing with formula.” You go home, you try to nurse, it still doesn’t seem like the baby is getting enough. You call a friend who nursed for a year, she gives you some advice, it doesn’t seem to work. You pack your bag up, put the baby in the car and drive down to the hospital to meet with a lactation consultant. She has you remove your shirt and show her your latch. The lactation consultant gives you a ton of advice, helps you fit the areola into your nurslings mouth, and supports you. The LC has you pump to see what your supply is. The baby is weighed before and after eating to see how much he is taking in. You’re given a ton of books and websites to read for support. You’re encouraged to go to a LLL meeting and a breastfeeding support meeting at the hospital. You attend both. You find yourself surrounded by other women facing the same problems, and other women who have overcome similar problems. All of these women are there to support you. You meet friends, exchange e-mail addresses and have phone numbers you can call at 2 am when you have a serious case of clogged duct. You laugh about problems, and talk about things like biting. Your child starts to gain weight because you both needed to learn how to breastfeed. It’s a skill, not something you’re born knowing how to do!
Becky- can you talk more about this?!
Great books: The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding, Ina May’s Guide to Breastfeeding, The Breastfeeding Book, and plenty more, ask your LLL Leader!
#4. Have an un-medicated birth or at least take control after birth: You know how I feel, but an alert baby is a better eater. Epidural born baby is a lethargic and tired baby. I don’t eat when I am sleepy and medicated, why would I expect a baby to be any differently? The baby should latch within an hour of birth to ensure a good breastfeeding relationship. (Recommended by WHO, UNISEF and WABA).
If you can’t have a natural birth (c-section or other complications), you can still get the baby on the breast within an hour. The hospital might lie to you and say you can’t but you can (the hospital staff wants to get in and get their job done quickly, and you sitting around enjoying your baby can get in the way of that)! It’s always better to have a doula with you who can speak up for your rights! Becky had an emergency C-section and still had Ardun breastfeeding within 40 minutes- (You rock mama!).
#5. Be Proud of Yourself: I find this as a source of contention to some. Many people get offended at the mere mention of breastfeeding. I get snarky comments on Facebook all the time, and not even from mom’s who “couldn’t” breastfeed, but sisters, friends, etc. who have nothing to do with being a parent. It’s weird. I don’t get it. I don’t care though, if my success makes someone else feel bad, that is their problem, and not mine. Mom’s have a lot of guilt for some awful reason. And many people think that if you do something contrary to them, you’re looking down upon them.
Seriously, every single medical based entity (AAP, WHO, etc.) supports breastfeeding. All of the studies show the benefits of breastfeeding. If you feed formula, you must know those things. If you choose to formula feed instead, that is your choice.
#6. Don’t be afraid: I breastfeed in public. I am not one of those whip it out boob-flashing mamas, but more power to them. Why do fatty men get to show their boobies (many of which are larger than mine!) but I can’t feed my kid? I admit that I do pick and choose where I nurse. Now that I am back in the San Francisco area, I feel comfortable nursing almost anywhere, but in Missouri, I mainly stuck to places like nicer cafes, parks, etc. I struggle to keep my little one still while I nurse, but I promise that not a single person out there has seen my nipples, so back off J
#7 Talk about it: Breastfeeding will never be normalized until we take control and make it normal. The baby on the bottle is still the “norm” in this country, and we need to change that perception. I talk about pumping at work with co-workers, so nobody feels uncomfortable. I let them know what I am doing, how long I plan to do it and I feel supported. I was very lucky to work at a Catholic university immediately after E was born and now I work for a county in California. We have a lactation room and two 15 minute paid breaks a day. Its important that people know what you’re doing. I hope that other women in the courthouse see me using the lactation room every day and feel comfortable someday using it themselves. I feel like I am approachable enough that someone can come up and ask me about it or get advice. What is the use of a lactation room if nobody is comfortable enough to use it?! FYI, there is also one in the jury room at this courthouse, kick ass!
